


only i'll know

by jenhyung



Series: maybe in another universe [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Introspection, M/M, Pining, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 19:54:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11905053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenhyung/pseuds/jenhyung
Summary: 'One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.' James Earl Jones — Taeil / Youngho (Drabble / Introspection)





	only i'll know

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: 1k+ of no otp interactions, just a drabble, no happy endings, just taeil pining for youngho... also not very descriptive... not very good... sorry... wrote this in a half hour...

Taeil keeps it to himself.

It wouldn’t help to have others knowing, and he’s sure it’ll blow over soon. He doesn’t want to make a big deal out of nothing.

“Are you turning in?”

It’s only eight in the evening.

Yuta has a piece of dried laver between his teeth, and it’s probably the first time in a long time he’s seen Yuta eating anything but chicken breast.

Taeil brings a hand up to stifle a yawn, “Yeah, I’ve a vocal session early tomorrow morning.”

“Okay,” Yuta licks his thumb and forefinger. “Wake me up too, I want to hit the gym.”

Taeil nods, and bids Yuta goodnight. Yuta ambles back out into the living room, where the other members were watching Dream’s live stage on one of the music shows.

The chorus of ‘We Young’ is muffled when Taeil shuts the door to his room, taking two steps, falling face first onto his bed.

He’s still, eyeing the double decker bed pushed up against the wall across his own. Sicheng slept top bunk, his language textbooks piled at the foot of the bed, and Yuta slept bottom bunk, post it notes (of encouragement, reminders, and other things) stuck on the wall.

Taeil worms into bed, climbing under the covers, pulling it up to his chin. It wasn’t duvet weather, but he didn’t want someone walking in and catching him.

 _That makes it sound so dirty_ , He thinks, stretching down to grab his backpack, pulling his headphones from the front pocket.

His lock screen, a photo of all of them during his birthday dinner in June, stares at him as he unlocks his phone, going straight onto Twitter.

It’s no secret that Doyoung has a Twitter account, Taeil even thinks he’s shared it with some of their other idol colleagues, which was against the rules, but no one brings anything up.

Taeil, on the other hand, kept it to himself.

He didn’t need anyone finding anything out.

Biting his lip, he feels a twinge of guilt when the pictures on his timeline load.

Pictures of Youngho. Gifs of Youngho. Videos of Youngho.

Taeil presses his phone to his chest, closing his eyes. He doesn’t think he can take looking at Youngho for more than a couple of seconds at a go.

Having a crush on your bandmate, Taeil knows, is a _really_ bad idea.

He remembers it like it was yesterday, how he found out he might’ve had a tiny, just a tiny, crush on Youngho.

 

“You know what you’re really good at, hyung?”

They’re all huddled together after their first comeback stage for Cherry Bomb. Jaehyun has the phone in his hands, monitoring closely.

“What?” Youngho takes a sip from a bottle of water handed to him by their staff.

“Expressions,” Jaehyun pauses the video, rewinding it to one of Youngho’s close-ups.

Taeil tip-toes over their shoulders to take a look, and he agrees. Youngho has always had good stage presence, not to mention good control over his expressions, even throughout their rigorous dance routine.  

“Thanks,” Youngho laughs lightly. “But I think Taeyong does a better job, eh?”

It’s when Taeil’s lying in bed that night, legs and arms sore from their dance practice, but his mind was still wide awake. Thoughts ricochet off the corners of his brain, _How was the stage today? Did the fans like it? How will the stage be tomorrow? Will the fans like that?_

Frustrated, he unlocks his phone, and goes onto Naver. After searching his (and the other members’) name up, he remembers Jaehyun’s comment from earlier.

_NCT Johnny Fancam._

The words look somewhat scandalous to Taeil, and the tips of his ears burn. It wasn’t like he was watching _porn_ , so what gives?

After a good hour of combing through fansites’ videos of Youngho dancing, talking, smiling, breathing, Taeil has enough self-restraint in him to clear his history, and force himself to close his eyes and get some shut eye.

It will only be a half hour before Taeyong’s alarm is blaring again, and they have to trudge down to the hair salon to get ready for a new day.

 

Creating a Twitter account for the sole purpose of looking at your bandmate’s pictures, Taeil knows, is a _really_ bad idea.

He scrolls through a few previews (uploaded a few hours ago), until he catches one that’s of a ridiculously high quality.

One where Youngho’s staring straight into the lens.

Taeil’s thumb hovers over the picture for a second, unsure if he should open it. His heart might not be able to take it.

He decides against it, pausing ever so slightly to wait for the videos or gifs to load.

“Hello, everyone!”

Youngho’s English is loud and clear in Taeil’s ear, and he hastily lowers the volume, ignoring the fact that just those two words were enough to send a shiver down his spine.

He watches the short video for a couple of seconds, breathing shallow. Then he catches a glimpse of himself in the video, smiling, waving, breathing right next to Youngho.

It’s enough for Taeil to lock his phone again, clutching it tightly in his hands.

Without the glaring light from his phone, he’s enveloped in darkness, and he takes a second to think.

_What was it about Youngho?_

He’s seen Youngho devour chicken with his bare hands, and he’s seen Youngho unattractively pick chicken shreds from between his teeth. He’s seen Youngho sleep with his mouth wide open, and he’s seen drool dripping from the corner of his mouth (Doyoung has taken a picture of it for blackmail purposes). He’s seen Youngho naked.

Taeil squeezes his eyes shut, trying to shove the memory out of his mind.

He didn’t _feel_ anything when he saw Youngho naked. It was very brief, just a moment between two straight bandmates.

Taeil reprimands himself, wondering why he's let things change between them.

No one has noticed. Or if they have, no one has said anything.

But Taeil thinks he’s doing a good job of hiding it.

Deciding that that’s enough Youngho for tonight, he clears his history, and goes onto his Melon app, streaming the kids’ new title song, hoping it will make a difference.

He shuts his eyes, but his mind can’t help but wonder.

What would’ve been if the situation was different.

Would Youngho still be the charismatic self he is today? Would Taeil still be able to sing? Would they ever cross paths? And if they do, would Youngho even think of Taeil the way Taeil thinks of him?

Taeil is satisfied knowing that Youngho is just two rooms away, probably rehearsing his lines with Jaehyun for tomorrow’s radio broadcast.

He reminds himself to tune in.

 

Maybe in another life, in another universe, but for now, Taeil keeps it to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos + comments / criticisms are greatly appreciated ♡ feedback warmly welcomed! [twitter](https://twitter.com/jenhyungs) | [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/jenhyung) | [more notes](https://jenhyung.tumblr.com)
> 
> if you're in the mood for au / happy ending johnil, [this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11716722) is for you!


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